Afraid

But what do I fear? That is the question. When I think about my family eating a meal completely different from my own, I feel left out, excluded. Especially when it includes things I love to eat. In the past when I have encountered stressful situations and didn't have immediate access to food, I felt panicked. But when I take a moment and think about these feelings, they evaporate. Almost as if they never existed in the first place. But in the moment, they are powerful forces that have driven me to fill a need that food can never meet. Today is the first day of the "active" phase of my new program. I hate calling it a diet, because for me, there is no going back to the eating I was doing before. Not that it was all that bad, but it was not the best for me. And it was not moving me down the road toward wellness. I don't plan to disclose in this setting what approach I am taking because I don't want things to spin into a detailed back and forth of "how did you do that" and "what do you eat" etc. This time and place is for looking long and hard at where I am headed which is the healthiest me. And while I feel sad for the loss of eating freedom and wonder what my life will be like when I am healthy and working to stay that way, I'll remind myself of what a good friend said to me today, "You *do* have a choice though. You *can* eat whatever you want. But, [based on past choices] you won't like the results. Since you won't like the results of eating whatever you want, you are [now, and in the future] making smarter choices." And little by little, I feel more and more brave.